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Saturday, March 21, 2015

Random thoughts

This piece is purely a fictional satire inspired by Saturday afternoon boredom and hunger,  don't take it too seriousI have created different fictional characters and  summarized them in short stories, I've tried not to use real names hence the code names. Hope you find this interesting .

                                                           THE JACKAL

Palms are sweaty , heart is pounding , not even the chilly AC could prevent my forehead from dripping with hot sweat . This woman won't kill me , obirin yi o ni pa mi . It's been three days now , still no show .My body is so full right now, if I sneeze at full strength , sperm might fly off from my nose . Yes it's that bad! My wife turned from mother Theresa to Jezebel so quick right under my nose and I never even experred it Sighhhhhhhh... Bar Man! Bar Man!! Ki lon fucking shele now? Give me one more bottle for the road Abeg.

                                                  THE SEA GUL

...You see, I come from a very small prayerful  family so you can understand where I stand regarding issues like this. I'll advise you pray to your God about it ore mi. Oluwa ko Seun Ti , ma worry Sho Gbo , God will make things easy . Bawo de Ni business ? We are pushing it ojare, business is just there she replied in a rather tensed tone. The fuel scarcity is biting hard , I pray things get better o, I'm just praying there is no traffic on my way home today because there is fellowship by 7pm.  Oya lets pray and eat before this rice gets cold ...

                                                          THE FOX

See I hate multitasking but I can't afford not to.infact I've become a pro at multitasking it's now one of my best features  . Right now I'm caught between this episode of Naruto, treating these huge pile of atm dispense error forms which I'm definitely not looking forward to, fantasizing about the road side Boli and fish  getting delivered to me and of cause dreading the evil traffic on my way home . Was telling my girl over the phone how much this state needs a commissioner for Traffic affairs but she laughed it off as if I was joking girl ❤️....she can laugh for Africa , just thinking about her laugh just made me smile , and yes you can add that to the list of things I'm multitasking about ,na U sabi

                                                        THE SWORD FISH

Monday morning traffic makes you think about the darndest things . This morning's evil episode had me thinking about lists.. Lists of things I hate and those I love . A quick summary will be
I hate Mondays
I hate my job
I hate my boss
I hate Apapa
I hate driving manual cars imagine all I've mentioned all rolled up in one? That's what my day is looking like right now . I love life tho,I mean, who wouldn't?
I love my family
I love my hubby

                                            THE GRASSHOPPER

Sharp as ever were the events of the day before , ever fresh in my mind like it just happened . I had gone to my fiancée's house for Sallah as her family are Muslims , heading back home after devouring countless numbers of fried meat ,I turned on the radio for some traffic news so as to avoid Unnecessary holdup when I heard a familiar voice over the radio.
I didn't know what to make of it , was trying so hard to picture a face to the voice when my phone rang , trying to see who was calling, then it suddenly dawned on me that my phone didn't actually ring. The sound came from the radio !

                                                    THE CAT

As crazy as it sounds,i'm really curious to find out how this thing works. You see, i read alot and thats one of perks of being inquisitive,i tend to learn ,i live, i acquire. Sometimes you get lost trying to find your way ,but asking never killed nobody. That being said,i'm still dying to find out how it works, is it fun? is it tasking? would i regret it?...i'm gradually getting lost now asking these questions,let me focus on this gym thing as this coke bottle body  won't get it self.

                                                         THE CAMEL

*whistling and humming gently* yada yidi yaaaaa, Gosh  i miss London ! Lagos can be so annoying it sucks.No job,no fuel and Its a miracle i survived yesterday’s heat cus weve been out of power for God knows when. Only good thing about this place are the sexy single moms that are ready to mingle with the prince :d, But last last sha These APC guys na pipe,i no kuku dey vote next week,na dem sabi jare. *phone alarm goes off at 17:59* Ope o,time for booze don Nack *whistles till fade……..

                                                           THE SCORPION

My Grandma is a funny one you know , telling me not  to stop breastfeeding my baby till he is 3. who get that kind time? Wonder how she expects me to cope,with all my deliveries and custom wahala i'm facing,ill still be there to cook for hubby,maybe she thinks i'm a machine. That reminds me ,osharo monday o,these debtors better pay up on time before i unleash my Lagos island boys on them. no single credit alert since morning egbami!

                                               THE SNAKE

A shadow crossed my face as i quickly dashed into the room,i knew she was going to come back,she never listens! I decided to lay still,switched my phone to silent and just pray to God she leaves and never comes back. i got a message from her saying she was at my door with that thing i wanted. My heart has never raced as much as it has the past 10 minutes,it felt like someone was playing temple run in my chest.i ignored the message hoping she would think i was asleep or out or fainted or dead or anything at all ,but the devil had other plans.First,she sent a nude picture of herself attempting to swallow a cucumber ,i gasped for breath and swallowed spit while quietly reciting psalm 23 with special reference to the "lead us not into temptation". I was panting without running , is this devil at work? She kept calling my phone but I formed unlooking like GEJ ignored the chibok girls ,I thought I had won the war not knowing the battle just up her book of tricks was a message saying  "I want to sit on your face while you do nasty things to me" this shook my faith , spirit and soul, I decided to finally return her call so I can blast her off and warn her to please stay away from me until I heard her caller ringtone go "wa fe ku laleyi" ma te sojue laleyi" I took a deep breath and murmured to myself , Dear God,please I beg for forgiveness because  if this is a test, then I have failed .

                                                        THE WOLF

I have a passion for cooking and trying out new recipes every time so it didn't come as a surprise that this one wants to die because of my cooking . Well except maybe I got him wrong when he passed me a compliment saying he couldn't get enough of my food.i wonder what foo...err nvm. He is not my type anyway,I mean , has he seen Idris Elba? He should pack well abeg .

                                               THE LIZARD

That's not possible Mr man , I'm responsible for this place and I can't let you do anything without authorized permission .i believe as an adult you should know better than the attitude you just portrayed because your behavior here contradicts and condescends the position in which you have been appointed to serve . I am a very busy man with far more important things to do this morning and I can't let you waste my precious time , I'll give you the grace of reflecting on your absurd behavior before I go ahead and delete you

                      THE OWL
Where is Jaye ?
Jaye is looking for my trouble o
Why didn't Jaye reply me after I had abused him?
This Jaye doesn't  hear word abi.
Wasn't he supposed to come to Ikoyi today? This is what my imaginary Idris wouldn't do o
Jaye! Jaye!! I know you are not here o but can't you hear that I'm calling you? hmmmmm

                                                  THE JAGUAR

I'm looking forward to this Road trip to Calabar. Never knew driving round the country can be so much fun . Problem now is i'm torn between which car to carry, the Honda has a bad deck and the Toyota is out of gas but all I know is I'm going to Calabar to see my love ... Ohh la laaaaa.
Not even this crazy bill from PHCN can dampen my mood , Bastards!

                                                                THE FLY

It was a sunny day in Hawaii , the beach looked so calm and cool you would be tempted to take a skinny dip. Then the unthinkable happened , at first I thought my eyes were playing pranks on me, but then I took a closer look and saw my homie's girl right there with another dude locking hands and shi...To say I was amazed would be an understatement  .i walked back to my hotel room with random thoughts on my big fat head , I opened the fridge to grab a bottle and kept wondering the evil I just witnessed . My homie loved this girl so much he got a tattoo of her name on his chest , now this! Why are women so mean and wicked ? What do I do guys ? Should I tell my guy or remain neutral?

                                                              THE GOAT

Mbok can this exam end in time so I can go home? I can't bring my self to start cracking my brain on this one because that ship has sailed tey tey.

                                                        THE SHARK

The reviews about this herbal tea got me really excited. I was working on my lower body region when my gym partner recommended it, heard so much about it I had to get it immediately I knew it was available . Talking about my lower body, I was out jogging yesterday and these guys won't stop whistling and gasping.. I wonder what they were whistling about :S. Until I punch one of them on the face before they stop this silly act . Shior

                                            THE BEAR

*types on IG* beads by @NouvaCouture dress by @Ejiro Emos Tafiri.. Sighhhhhhh... This Apapa traffic is going to make me miss my friend's bridal shower . This is the kind of traffic that makes you want to abandon your car and just walk to your destination. I'm sure this one was sent from the pits of hell Sighhhhhhhh, it's the kind that makes you question your stand on euthanasia .I'm so Gona be late , I have to get a power bike soooon

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